The Case For Cuddles
"Don’t hold the baby so much, you’re going to spoil him!". I want you to know that this joyless idea is in no way evidence-based. Science is on your side. It is fundamentally impossible to spoil a baby.
This is an idea that is years out of date and has served as a real obstacle for parents torn between bonding with their babies and wanting to parent “correctly". There are countless ideas that stem from avoiding spoiling a baby, some of which you have probably already heard, and none of which are backed up by scientific evidence. Here are some examples:
• Now that your baby is a certain weight, they should be sleeping through the night.
• Now that your baby is a certain age, they should be sleeping through the night.
• Don’t pick up your baby when they cry, they’re controlling you.
• You need to teach your baby to self-soothe.
• You need to let your breasts fill up before you feed again.
• You’re STILL breastfeeding? That can’t be healthy.
• If you let your baby sleep in your bed, you'll never get them out.
This is a snippet of quips that are much more than a little unhelpful. They are outdated, misguided, and most importantly they are not evidence-based. Let this knowledge empower you to smile, politely nod along, and then go with your gut.
Just because a baby reaches a certain weight or age does not automatically mean it is appropriate to assume they are ready to sleep through the night. Reaching a certain age/weight does not cause an automatic gear-change in unique temperament, sleep needs or appetite. Sure, if your gut tells you that their temperament will tolerate a gentle nudge in that direction, use your intuition and don’t be pushed past any boundaries you are not comfortable crossing.
Again, you are the expert on your baby.
As for advice on breastfeeding, most of us are more familiar with generations of bottle feeding. Bottle feeding is a completely different ball game to breastfeeding. It is common to hear advice for bottle feeding applied to breastfeeding, which is often flawed and non-compatible. By getting familiar with breastfeeding norms, you will be more confident in dismissing misguided advice.
Why does attachment-focused parenting makes sense from a scientific, biological and anthropological standpoint?
In western culture, we prize independence. From early on you will probably be asked if your baby is sleeping through the night, whether they are a good eater, and if they are on a schedule. Parenting “success" is too often determined by how little your baby seems to require your input. This is a relatively new (and unhealthy) way of thinking.
With our large brains, jobs, houses and lifestyles it is easy to forget that humans are actually animals. More specifically, mammals. That means, among other things, that nature has designed us with specific intentions in mind, that are controlled through instincts, hormones, reflexes etc. For example, we are designed to be distressed by a baby’s cry so that we quickly respond – it is a survival mechanism. Newborns have short, mostly shallow sleep cycles so they can be easily roused, which acts as a built-in safety feature.
Whether breastfeeding or bottle feeding, and regardless of what kind of milk you use, the composition of human milk indicates how nature intended us to nurture our babies.
Dr Nils Bergman, MB CHB, MPH, MD categorised four different kinds of mammals and describes how the composition of each mammals milk influences the kind of care they provide to their young.
Cache mammals:
Deer, rabbit. Babies are mature at birth. Milk is very high in fats and proteins. This sustains the hidden babies for long periods, sometimes exceeding 12 hours. This ensures they do not cry out, making themselves vulnerable to predators.
Follow mammals:
Giraffe, cow. Babies are mature at birth. Milk is lower in fats and proteins. Babies can follow their mothers, so are able to feed frequently.
Nest mammals:
Dog, cat. Babies are less mature at birth, and need the nest for warmth. Milk is higher in proteins and fats, mother returns to feed her young every 2-4 hours.
Carry mammals:
Apes, marsupials. These babies are the most immature at birth, and need the warmth of their mother’s body, so are carried constantly. Milk is low in fats and proteins. Babies are fed often and around the clock.
Human milk is among the lowest in fats and proteins of all mammalian milks. Also, our babies are among the most immature at birth, so require being carried and held. Not only does this behaviour meet a babies physical needs, it is vital for promoting attachment and boosting parents' confidence in caring for their babies.
Keeping baby close helps keeps their heart rate and blood oxygen stable, helps them conserve calories (not wasted on trying to get your attention), is conducive to breastfeeding, reduces crying, and helps you bond with your baby.
In her excellent book Breastfeeding Made Simple - Seven Natural Laws for Nursing Mothers, Nancy Morhbacher IBCLC, FILCA and author explains that many of our cultural beliefs run counter to our biological norms. In recent generations western culture has promoted baby care styles that are more appropriate for Nest Mammals. Strollers, feeding schedules, and sleep training can detune you to your baby’s unique personality, feeding rhythms and sleeping patterns. Humans are resilient and adaptable creatures, but it is not healthy to battle our own design.
Morhbacher suggests it is no wonder there appears to have been a spike in depression and other stress-related illnesses in new parents in recent generations, stating “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.”
Well researched, evidence-based information is unfortunately competing with outdated and misguided information. Parenting books, apps and schedules are available in abundance, but so much advice is conflicting. That is why it is my goal to empower parents to feel confident that they are the experts on their own babies.
I provide holistic, research-backed advice for parents experiencing anxieties or obstacles. I do not promise miracle cures, but work with each family’s individual needs and circumstances to create solutions to feeding, sleeping and care issues. This could include remote assistance, night nannying, day nannying or 24/5 in-home support.